I am a shallow person.
There, I said it.
I read your blogs. There's deep thought there. Things I've never thought about. Who are you people? And how did you get so deep?
It's not like I'm some vapid airhead - I have the ability (at least I'd like to think I do) to think deep, I'm just not sure how to go about it.
I like to live my life on the surface. I'm afraid of what's underneath. It makes me anxious. I keep that dark, scary stuff pushed down pretty well. Unfortunately I can't always keep it under wraps. When I'm falling asleep - especially if I'm napping, I'll wake up in an absolute panic because there are apparently cracks on my surface and a teensy bit of the dark, scary stuff comes bubbling up to the surface. I hate it when that happens.
I grew up believing certain things in life, because that's what my dad believed. This last election my kids wanted to know why I was Republican...I thought about it for a while and I said "because Grandpa was". If someone asked me why I was Mormon, my response, I fear, would be the same. My dad had a very strong personality and we did what he said because he said so for the most part - no questions asked. It wasn't until he fell off his pedestal that I went against anything I was taught. I rebelled, but I still never questioned. I believed out of fear.
So here I sit, at 45(+1) not knowing what I believe or why.
The things I know for sure:
80's was the best decade for music.
I've used up most my brain storage for song lyrics and jingles.
There's many a great life lesson in Gilmore Girls.
Crisis + Time = Humor
Honesty is the best policy (but I don't practice it regularly!)
See where the whole shallow thing comes into play? I try to fake that I have depth in social situations. I can pretend pretty well, but underneath it all...shallow.
I read this blog tonight. Wow, she really thinks about things. Questions I've never thought of, but now that she mentions it, I'd like to know the answers to myself.
I want to live in the moment, I want to live out loud, I want to have an authentic life.
How? How can I live authentic to who I am, when I'm not even sure who that is?
Enough depth for one night, now I must retreat back up to the surface where it's safe.
Creating a Sacred Space
6 years ago
12 comments:
Yes, I am very, very deep on my blog. Seriously, I am really working hard to end Superhotism.
I'm with you, for the most part I'm just shallow, it's easier there. I definitely think about lots of stuff and who I am and what I want and how I want to be better--A LOT--but still, I'm shallow. :) It's okay, as long as you're thinking about it and working towards something, you're doing fantastic!
Hey sweet lady- you are NOT shallow- at least not to me. You humor makes you who you are. That is a great thing. I think it is one of the best things about you. Be happy. Life is a ride- hold on, enjoy the ride. You do that!
I used to be deep on my blog, now I just post about being a crappy mom. Nice, eh?
You don't seem shallow at all. And I think that depth can be seriously overrated. Don't we all know someone that tortures herself because of it? Taking life as it comes and holding on to things that really matter... That is deep in my book.
Listen to Kazzy, she's right. And she is awesome on top of it! Depth can hurt, but it is useful at times. You do what works for you...most of the time. :)
what the ??? your wv is dissing me!! (disman) RUDE! lol
There's something so deep about this investigation of your very shallowness. Serious. But if it makes you feel any better, I wrote a post about being shallow here: http://divergentpathways.blogspot.com/2009/04/i-couldnt-possibly-be-that-shallow.html
hmmmmm.
First of all, I love your title. Shallow Val. That's very clever.
Second, I love your honesty about taking on your dad's beliefs. I don't think you're shallow. I think you're just at a different (less instense) place on the journey. You have to be able to wake up every day and do what you need to do to raise your family and meet your obligations. It messes with your mojo when you get all ponderous. Believe me, I've been there/done that.
I think it's the most important question though, how can you be authentic when you don't know who you are.
It has been a goal of mine for years to be authentic. I started by sifting through the things that make me feel guilty and deciding what should and shouldn't make me feel guilty. I threw out a whole bunch of stuff that I didn't need to feel guilty about.
That felt gooooood.
I visited the blog you linked to and had this thought: you don't always have to think about these things or have the words to write them in order for your psyche to be working on them. In fact, in your case, clearly your psyche is or you wouldn't have to wake up in a panic b/c of the cracks. Some people can take notes and make them into music, some people can take feelings and turn them into thoughts and then into words---but just b/c you dont' do that on a regular basis doesn't mean you don't have those feelings. :)
I know, sometimes we don't want to go THAT deep and try to see WHAT we know or DON'T know, believe etc. Hey, I am 58 and just learning things about myself and am about to make some MONUMENTAL life changing decisions!!!!!!! It is scarry to step out of the "safe" places and see who you are and who you want to be and how you want to live out your life.
But, I guess that is the nature of "life"
your not shallow, just learning
Hey, I just checked out that blog you commented on ---TALK ABOUT SHALLOW --remember at our luncheon how I said if the post looks to long, i don't read it (shallow me) so, sorry , didn't read it-------too long and I cant' concentrate that long---SHALLOW ME
Great post. Many a life a lesson in the Gilmore Girls I totally agree!
Great post! I grew up believing what my parents believed and it was scary to step out on your own. No regrets though.
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